Father's Day and the Father Wound

This post may be tender or difficult for some readers. It’s written with care for those navigating complicated and complex relationships with the idea—or reality—of fatherhood.”

Prologue: For the One Still Hoping to Be Seen

This isn’t anti-Father’s Day.

It’s pro-humanity.

It’s for every adult child whose first heartbreak wasn’t romantic, but paternal. For those who sat by the window, waiting for a father who didn’t come. Or worse, who did come—and still made you feel invisible.

This is for the ones who learned early that "manhood" doesn’t always mean protection. That presence without tenderness still wounds. And absence without explanation leaves a silence that screams.

If Father’s Day brings a lump in your throat instead of joy in your chest, this is your space. If you'd rather get the day over with, or not have to remember it at all, this is where you may find others who feel the same. If it's a foreign concept to celebrate a role that was never present in your life, you can rest knowing that you are not alone.

You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to perform. You don’t have to hold shame because you don’t share an experience that society says “should” be the standard. You only have to breathe—and let your truth rise.

What if your father was your violator, your betrayer?

We name this too.

I have worked in a world—Child Protective Services—where I have seen the absolute worst of parent-child abuse. This is a space where we do not pretend these things don't happen. We don't silence or sanitize the truth.

Is it every parent-child relationship? No. But we hold space for the entire spectrum of experience—whether good, bad, or somewhere in between.

I’ve also witnessed stories of tenderness, boundary-honoring, and transformative presence—of fathers who show up again and again.  I’ve witnessed patient fathers.  Nurturing fathers.  Protective fathers.  If your story is one of joy, safety, and celebration, we hold that sacred, too.

We love to hear it. We need stories like yours.

But we also name this: To children, parents are giants. Gods. Children are dependent on adults for their very existence and survival. They have no voice, no escape from brutality. They are powerless.

And let’s be real—on the surface, our culture espouses the value of children. But in practice? We don’t always treat them well. We don’t always hold them as sacred. Too often, they are seen as burdens. Mouths to feed. Tools. Expectations. Caretakers. Extensions. Social security plans. Objects.

We hold all of this here. We name it. And we honor the bravery it takes to tell the truth.

When Father’s Day Hurts: The First Break, The Long Repair

The first heartbreak doesn’t always come from a lover.

Sometimes, it comes from a parent -  your father.

Whether he was absent, neglectful, abusive, disowned paternity, never contributed to your material wellbeing, emotionally unavailable, or inconsistently present, the wound he left behind can echo through every aspect of our lives. It shapes our nervous systems. Our relationships. Our sense of worth. Our perception of love, safety, and protection.

This is the Father Wound. And it runs deep.

Some wounds are loud—anger, abandonment, rejection. Others are quiet—a deep, nagging sense that you are never quite enough. That you must prove your worth, earn love, or expect betrayal. That if your own parent didn’t think you were worth the effort, what can you expect from anyone else?

What Is the Father Wound?

The Father Wound is the ache that forms when a child’s need for paternal protection, affirmation, and presence is unmet. It may stem from outright absence or from a father who was physically there but emotionally missing.

It can look like:

·       Chronic self-doubt

·       Difficulty trusting men or authority figures

·       Overachieving to earn validation

·       Fear of abandonment or intimacy

·       Attracting emotionally unavailable partners

·       Over-functioning and over-giving to earn attention

·       People pleasing

·       Poor relationship cultivation skills

Whether your father left, died, dismissed you, rejected you or demanded perfection, the impact doesn’t vanish with age. It morphs. These patterns aren’t personal flaws. They are responses to unmet needs—and they make sense. Still, they don’t have to define us.

The following narrative includes themes of emotional abuse, childhood neglect, and intimate partner violence. Read with care and pause if needed.

Maya’s Story

Maya grew up with a father who worked hard but never spoke softness. He provided but didn’t protect. He showed up sometimes at school plays and other school related functions begrudgingly but never said, "I'm proud of you" or showed any joy.  He complained. He scowled. He was always angry, never happy. He didn’t speak much. When he did, he yelled. Nothing pleased him. He argued with her mother, sometimes hit her. Everyone walked on eggshells. Her mother excused his behavior, saying he had “a lot on him,” or that it was “just his way”.

When Maya got into her first relationship, she attached herself to the first man who gave her attention and chose her. Initially, he told her nice things she had never heard.  She didn’t stop to ask questions. Anything, she thought, was better than the home she came from. She also believed she could make him happy.  She imagined a home full of love and tenderness.

She mistook control for care. His jealous, overbearing behavior—she interpreted as love. He drank daily, but he worked hard. He promised the world. She wasn’t conscious of her unmet needs. She just knew if she was a good wife, she could please him and he would love her.

She tolerated manipulation and gaslighting because it felt familiar. What she felt wasn’t real. What she saw didn’t exist. What she articulated was denied or dismissed. Her body remembered what her mind had not yet named: that love, for her, came with distance, silence, agitation, or criticism. Then came the rage and yelling.  Next were the blows. For a while she was disappointed but it felt familiar.  And her mother reinforced that you “take the good with the bad”.

Maya's story may not be yours—but the repetition of familial patterns may ring true.

Six Tools for Healing the Father Wound

1. Name It.Tell the truth to yourself. You cannot heal what you won’t name.Many of us were taught to minimize, suppress, or spiritualize pain—especially when it came from a parent. But healing begins when you allow yourself to say:“What I needed wasn’t there.”Naming your wound is not about blame—it’s about clarity.

Try this: Journaling, saying it aloud, writing a letter you’ll never send, or speaking with a trusted therapist or guide.

2. Feel It.Where in your body does it live?Rage, grief, numbness, longing—there is no wrong feeling. All are valid, all are part of the process.Your body is a wise witness. It won’t betray you. It will show you where you’ve betrayed yourself by staying silent or disconnected from your truth.

Try this: Body scans, breathwork, somatic therapy, dance, or gentle stretching. Let your body speak.

3. Reparent Yourself.Become what you needed: the safe presence, the patient protector, the consistent voice of love.Reparenting is daily. It’s in the way you talk to yourself, the promises you keep, the tenderness you extend toward your own healing.

Try this:– Affirm your worth each morning.– Set small boundaries that honor your energy.– Create a bedtime ritual that soothes your nervous system.– Speak to your inner child as you would a beloved friend.

4. Seek Healthy Masculinity—and Healthy Relationships in General.Not all masculinity is harmful. Some is healing.Surround yourself with people—regardless of gender—who model emotional availability, accountability, and presence. Let their love rewrite your inner script.

Try this:– Observe how safe people handle anger, conflict, and tenderness.– Choose relationships that feel calm, not chaotic.– Join groups or communities rooted in healing, truth, and trust.

5. Release the Fantasy.This is one of the hardest and sacred steps.Let go of who you hoped your father would be, and accept who he truly was—or wasn’t.Release the ache to fix, redeem, or earn love from someone who could not give it.You may never receive an apology or acknowledgement—but you can still heal.

Try this:– Write a release letter (you don’t have to send it).– Practice forgiveness—mainly focused on your need to forgive yourself – this is not an exercise of seeking something that was not requested – and certainly not to excuse, but to free yourself. To give yourself freedom to live in the let go and move forward with your life. – Light a candle or incense and honor the version of you that waited.

6. Engage Professional Support.You do not have to carry this alone. Some wounds need community. Others need skillful holding.Therapists, bodyworkers, healers, and trauma-informed coaches can help you explore what feels stuck, repressed, or overwhelming.Healing is not weakness—it’s reclamation.

Try this:– EMDR or somatic therapy for trauma release– Group therapy or healing circles– Massage, acupuncture, or energy work to support integration– Creative therapy: art, writing, movement, or sound

Tools, Books & Resources for Healing the Father Wound

Healing is not linear—and you don’t have to walk it alone. Below are powerful resources to support your journey of self-reclamation, reparenting, and transformation.

Books for Self-Guided Healing

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

This groundbreaking book dismantles the myths surrounding abusive behavior and offers clear insight into the thought patterns, manipulations, and tactics used by men who abuse women and children. Bancroft, a counselor who has worked with abusive men for decades, reveals that abuse is not about anger or loss of control—it’s about power, entitlement, and control.

Essential for: Understanding the deeper dynamics of abusive fathers or male caregivers. Particularly validating for those who grew up gaslit, dismissed, or emotionally harmed by someone who never took accountability.

Note: This book can be deeply triggering. Read with support if needed, and take breaks to integrate.

The Language of Letting Go by Melody BeattieA daily meditation book for anyone healing from codependency, people-pleasing, or emotional over-functioning. Beattie offers gentle but firm reminders to surrender control, establish boundaries, and honor your own emotional needs—one day at a time.

Recommended for: recovering from enmeshment, detachment from toxic dynamics, and learning to honor your own healing pace.

How We Heal by Alexandra ElleA gentle and powerful guide for anyone learning to soften, forgive, and reconnect to self. Includes reflection prompts, stories, and self-healing rituals.

Perfect for journaling through grief, anger, and the father wound with self-compassion.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay GibsonAn essential read for understanding how emotionally unavailable or self-centered parenting shapes our adult relationships and inner life.

Groundbreaking if you’re seeking clarity around your father’s emotional absence.

bell hooks' Love Trilogy

An essential collection exploring the ways love is taught, distorted, and reclaimed—especially in the face of patriarchy, racism, and generational trauma.

• All About Love – Redefines love as an action rooted in justice, honesty, and care.

• Salvation – Examines Black love, spirituality, and healing in the face of cultural trauma.

• Communion – Unpacks women’s search for love through self-worth, care, and truth.

Each book stands on its own, but together they offer a complete reclamation of what it means to give and receive love as whole, liberated beings.

Heavy: An American Memoir by Kiese Laymon

A stunning, vulnerable memoir that explores the weight of unspoken trauma, family expectations, masculinity, and the search for love, safety, and truth.

Powerful for: exploring the emotional landscape of Black sonhood, masculinity, and generational wounds.

My Grandmother's Hands by Resmaa Menakem

A seminal work on racialized trauma stored in the body. Menakem offers somatic practices to heal individual and collective pain.

Important for: understanding how trauma lives in the body, especially for Black and Brown communities.

The Book of Awakening by Mark NepoA daily devotional for the soul. These poetic, reflective entries encourage mindfulness, surrender, and courage.

Use as a morning anchor or to reclaim your inner voice.

Acts of Faith: Daily Meditations for People of Color by Iyanla VanzantA soul-anchored, culturally grounded collection of daily readings offering encouragement, wisdom, and truth. Vanzant speaks directly to the complexities of healing while navigating systemic injustice, ancestral trauma, and the spiritual journey of reclamation.

Recommended for: grounding in faith, reconnecting to ancestral wisdom, and restoring emotional and cultural wholeness.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete WalkerA compassionate, practical guide to understanding the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Walker introduces the four trauma responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn—with a particular focus on emotional neglect and covert abuse. His work is empowering, especially for adult survivors seeking clarity, validation, and tools for self-reclamation.

Recommended for: those healing from “invisible” trauma, chronic people-pleasing, emotional dysregulation, and deep-seated self-doubt stemming from unmet childhood needs.

It Didn’t Start with You by Mark WolynnExplores inherited trauma and how family pain often lives on unconsciously through generations.

Especially helpful for those carrying shame, silence, or “inexplicable” emotional patterns.

The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der KolkA foundational text on trauma, the nervous system, and the role of the body in healing.

Powerful for understanding somatic responses to emotional wounds.

Live Well Live Whole™ Affirmation Cards

A Daily Companion for Self-Guided Healing, Grounding, and Inner Reclamation

These cards were created for the one doing the deep work. The one untangling generational wounds. The one learning to mother themselves, father themselves, and reclaim their voice.

Rooted in the principles of emotional truth, creative power, and sacred self-awareness, the Live Well Live Whole™ Affirmation Deck includes themes like:

• An invitation to experience life intentionally

• Radical Self-Acceptance

• Permission to live fully and freely

Each card includes:

• A soul-anchored affirmation

• A meditative mantra

• Pain point acknowledgements

www.livewelllivewhole.com

Practices & Tools for Integration

Journaling Prompts– What did I need from my father that I never received?– In what ways have I tried to earn love?– What would it look like to reparent myself with tenderness?– What have I believed about myself because of his absence—and is it still true?

Somatic Practices– Grounding walks in nature– Restorative yoga or intuitive movement– Body scans or shaking out stuck energy– Breath work (especially diaphragmatic or box breathing)

Meditation & Mindfulness Apps– Insight Timer (free meditations, especially for grief & inner child work)– Liberate (healing meditations)– Calm or Headspace (good for beginners navigating emotional overwhelm)

Creative Healing Modalities– Collage journaling (“Father Wound Vision Collage”)– Voice journaling: record what you never got to say– Music and sound baths– Writing letters to your younger self

Community & Connection

Live Well Live Whole™Our healing spaces, journaling resources, and affirmation cards are designed to guide you back to your wholeness—at your pace.

Visit www.LiveWellLiveWhole.com or Instagram @LiveWellLiveWhole  to explore our offerings. Join the community

Group Support (if available in your area)– Healing circles for adult children of absent or abusive parents– ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families)– Spiritual communities that honor grief and transformation– Trauma-informed therapists or coaches (search via Psychology Today or Therapy for Black Girls)

You Are Not Alone

Healing the father wound is sacred work. It may feel heavy, but you were never meant to carry it without support. These tools are here to remind you that:

You are worthy of gentleness.You are allowed to grieve what never was.You are capable of becoming what you needed.

Final Thought:

The Path to Wholeness

Healing the Father Wound is not about blaming our fathers forever. It's about recognizing the imprint they left—and reclaiming the parts of ourselves we lost in their absence or mistreatment, intentional or unintentionally.

We may never get the apology. We may never feel fully understood by the one who hurt us. But we can choose to live whole anyway.

We are not what we lacked.We are what we choose to become.

A Blessing for the Father Wounded Heart

May you release the burden of silence.May you speak the truth of your ache without apology.May you become your own protector, your own witness.May you find safety within and around you.May your story no longer be ruled by abandonment and void.May you become the parent your inner child still dreams of.May you live loved, even if he never said the words.And may you give yourself the grace of the both/and—to grieve what never was,to honor what you've survived,and to give thanks for who you are becoming.

Journal Prompt

What did I need from my father that I never received?And how can I begin giving that to myself now?

Call to Action

If this reflection resonated with you, share it with someone silently carrying the weight of a missing father or the absence of a father’s tenderness or loving heart.

Share the journal prompt if it feels right. Speak your truth. Be the beginning of your own healing.

Follow us on Instagram @LiveWellLiveWhole for affirmations, community reflections, and healing inspiration and let us know in the Live Well Live Whole (LW2) community what resonated for you. Visit the Live Well Live Whole™ website to explore affirmation cards, healing tools, and resources.

You are not alone. And you are not unlovable.

This is your space to heal.

Warm regards,

Live Well Live Whole ™ ©2025

"because this life is your one life to make your best life"